Well I'm actually putting part the blame to my sleeping positions because lately I haven't been really getting it quite right. Dreaming of a rather unpleasant memory didn't help either. It was all assembled to form one helluva roll ball of emotions yesterday and the night before, and when I got up this morning, I just knew I didn't start the day right.
So usually when I have again succumbed into this one big pathetic mess (which I occasionally find exciting), I turn to television. More like the movies actually, but not in the movie house. The least thing I would find much likely for me to do on a blaah day like this is to go out and look for an outfit. So for today, I slid into the most unflattering piece of clothing in my closet and stacked a pile of junkfood in front of me. I knew it will be a long day ahead of me so I better get myself ready for some serious clash of hormonal imbalance and mood swings.
I watched Gossip Girl. I cried when I watched this scene way back from season 1, when Blair was about to leave New York because her world was falling apart. She lost her trusted army of Chanel-sucking minions and all that she planned ahead of her were broken apart. It was quite heartbreaking, although at the same time it ticked my head and brought back a couple of memories.
I always loved the Blair and Serena scenes in Gossip Girl because honestly, I can relate. Watching episodes of the tv show would make memories - all of which were rather buried in oblivion - run through past my head again just like it only occurred yesterday. I guess it's part of this whole getting-to-know-yourself-better stage, when you are brought back to how everything used to be and they all come flashing back right before your eyes only to find out that they are gone.
I am missing a lot of people now. People whom I have taken for granted and left out in the air for a long time. It took me some serious contemplating before I was able to figure out things on my own, and I guess today is part of that chapter in my life when a person is being confronted with mistakes they have made, with people they have hurt, and with the chances they opted not to take. It's quite okay for me though, because I know that after this phase of self-discovery, I will come out to the world as a much better person. And maybe, just maybe, for that particular time that I have already spun into a better individual, I am already brave enough to face the world ahead of me - without really having to feel like leaving, not like how Blair felt with her misery.
I am not really having issues with friends. I love the friends that I have now and undeniably, I am quite sure I will not be able to find another group of people who can love me and accept me for whoever and whatever I am. I guess, I am just missing those people whom I am not friends with anymore. Or those people who, at some point, became one of my closest, yet at a sudden drop, gone wandered a different route and left me out. Or maybe, it was me who took a sudden turn and left them out.
It's a Saturday afternoon now. A gloomy, Saturday afternoon. A cold sweet treat of Hazelnut Brownie ice cream is waiting to be consumed. Maybe for now, I shall skip past this entire stage of trying to figure out everything in my life. For some reason, things happen for much bigger premises which we will never find out about. I don't know why I am being brought back to old memories, and neither do I know the reasons why I had lost the old kind of friendship among those people whom I used to care so much about. But just like what I said, there are reasons in life that we will never know about, and right now, I guess I'm settling down with this - the fact that along the path where I have been trying to search for myself, I have found memories that touched my heart, and reminded me that just like any other friendship that lost its strength, there is still a chance. A chance that maybe, after all, we could still rekindle back our friendship and start a new one. :)